by Patricia Tallman
I’m in tears. I leave for Africa in two days. I cannot believe this is my life.
I have been asking my higher power to help me to find my way to a point like this. A place where I am overcome with gratitude that my life is the adventure of my dreams.
It’s rocky. It’s a new business venture and I have no idea how it will work out. I’ve gambled everything on this.
There is just no way I can do a job I do not believe in. I’ve been in many of them and it’s soul sucking.
Hitting rock bottom left me devastated, my dreams gone, and my faith in myself shattered. Having nowhere to go, I tried every personal growth book and online course that caught my attention.
Some very special things stuck to me, made sense, and I saw incremental improvements. If anyone would have told me this was going to take 3 years, I would have freaked out completely. I thought I had to do something RIGHT NOW. I needed money. How was I going to pay the mortgage, the bills, buy food? I have run out of every extra penny I ever had. Savings? Ha!
I found assistance through government programs. I took in a tenant, my boyfriend pays rent, and I have been selling off everything that isn’t nailed down. Money comes along in unexpected ways. Not a lot but enough to pay a bill, or buy some food. I have come to believe that the universe is sustaining me while I find my way.
It’s interesting how people react.
While I was trying things out, like writing a book in Bali with a mastermind, I had friends say “Maybe you should not spend that money right now.” And that’s logical! But there was something in me that felt I needed to go. Every time I thought about doing it I got so energized and excited. It terrified me, and exhilarated me. So I went, and discovered the path I am on right now. I didn’t know it at the time but the seeds of it were planted. I met some people that became very important to me. And I wrote most of my second book! I am still living the rest of that book! I’ll be able to finish it in a year.
When people ask me where I’m going, or where have I been, and I tell them “Paris, Scotland, England, South Africa”, they say ‘La De Dah! Must be nice to take off like that!’ Yes it is! Part of the benefit of not having a job. (Insert wry faced emoticon here) This is not a vacation. I make use of every minute. However, I am thrilled with what I get to do. I track what excites me and plot how I will bring that experience to you. Part of the wonderful thing about creating a business that takes me wherever my heart leads me. And it has taken incredible difficult, terrifying steps that have left me on the floor in a fetal position because I am so scared out of my mind. I have no idea how I will pay the mortgage in November when the assistance ends.
But I will figure it out.
I know this because I have figured it out up until this point. Three long years since the breakdown ( or the Awakening). It’s been a decade of trying to get my cash flow steady, watching my debt overtake my income. Even if I sell the house and my son and I have to find another living situation, well that’s figuring it out. Yeah, it might not be what I want at this moment. But I’m starting to get that if that’s the way it goes, there is a reason for it that I cannot know right now. I will do my best to be at peace with it.
I leave for Johannesburg in 2 days. 3 days after that I join up with a group of 9 other guests attending Martha Beck’s African STAR retreat. Martha has written most of the books that have helped me enormously during this time. I have listened to her speak on podcasts and online courses. She speaks to my soul. I had to go on this adventure, because my heart leaped when I thought of doing her African trip and being coached by her. I cashed in my IRA to do it. I know that doing these kinds of things can change your life. I sure need to change mine. So here I go!
People tell me I’m lucky I can do this. Others say I am crazy, reckless even. My life fell apart and I can tell you I didn’t feel lucky. I crashed and burned hard. Rebuilding myself slowly, at least it feels slow, there are huge discoveries I’m making that I will be able to build on for the rest of my life. I’m panicky most of the time. I deal with crushing anxiety. Often lonely. Depression haunts me and catches me at times. I feel like a shitty mom. I have no model for this. My business idea is unique. But I have hope. I see improvements. I take a leap, and I don’t die. I live to take another leap. And another. Leaping into the unknown, I am building a new life. And I’ll be sharing it with you.
Lucky?
You bet I am.
#loveyoumeanit
